There Goes The Fear
by Willow21
Summary: Leo has some bad news For Josh.
1. Part 1

TITLE: There Goes The Fear - Part 1  
AUTHOR: Willow  
SUMMARY: Leo has to give Josh some bad news.  
SPOILERS: Personal stuff up to S3. Set in an a/u between S3 & S4.  
CHARACTERS: Leo, Josh and Donna.  
RATING: PG - Angst. Character Death (though it's a character who's long been assigned to 'The Land Of The Lost'.)  
DISCLAIMER: They belong to NBC, Warner Bros, John Wells...... 

* * *

Leo turns over and looks sleepily at the clock, 2.47am. He answers the phone with a slightly grumpy, "McGarry."

"Leo, it's CJ."

"Yeh."

"Are you awake?"

"Well I am now. What's happened?" he asks, knowing that CJ would only phone him in the middle of the night if something serious was going on.

"I got a call a couple of hours ago from Steve, it's taken me 'til now to confirm that what he told me was correct." CJ pauses, hating to be the bearer of bad news. "Leo. Mandy died yesterday evening."

Leo's suddenly wide awake. "Does Josh know?"

"No, I wanted to talk to you first," CJ replies.

"Yeh. Do we know what happened?" Leo asks, as he gets out of bed and goes to the closet.

"Did you see in the news, about a fire in a diner in New York?"

"Oh God," Leo's stunned. "She died in a fire?"

"Yeh," CJ replies. "Her and another woman were trapped in the bathroom."

"Jesus." Leo sits back down and rubs his eyes.

"I know," CJ sighs. "It's a horrible way to die. I mean they say that the fumes get to you first, but you still know what's going to happen."

"Please don't say that to Josh."

"Of course I won't," CJ sounds a little hurt, but feels she should point out, "I don't think they've spoken for nearly two years."

"I know," Leo agrees. "But Josh's sister died in a fire when he was a kid."

Josh had told CJ that his sister had died when he was young, but he didn't say how. "I didn't know," she replies.

"Give me the details CJ, I'll go round and tell him," Leo says. "Can you tell the Sam and Toby?"

"Yeh. What about Donna?"

"I'll call her once I've seen Josh."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Josh closes the door and follows Leo into the apartment. "What's happened?" he asks, a little nervously. It's 3.15am, and Leo wouldn't be here unless something serious was going on.

"Sit down," Leo says. He knows that there's no point in going round the houses. He has to tell Josh and it might as well be quick. The thing is though, whenever he has to give bad news, there's always a part of him that wonders whether what he's saying is true. That thinks he may have got it wrong, that he's causing someone pain and it's a mistake. Maybe everyone feels like that, he doesn't know. 

Josh is starting to get worried. From the look on Leo's face, something terrible has happened, something that Leo doesn't want to tell him. "For God sake Leo," he pleads. "Is it my mom?"

"No. Your mom's fine," Leo says. He hesitates and then says, "Mandy died yesterday evening."

Josh is quiet for a moment, trying to sort out his feelings. He and Mandy had dated for three years, on and off. It was a stormy relationship, but then that's the kind of relationship that Josh always seems to have. He did care about her though. He knows the others where disgusted when she left so quickly after Rosslyn, but she visited him in the hospital, and she called him a few times when he first came home. Since then he hasn't seen or heard from her. But he did care about her once. "What happened?" he asks.

"Did watch the news tonight?"

"There was nothing interesting. I think I would have remembered if it had been on CNN, Leo."

Leo sighs. If Mandy had died in a car crash, Josh would have been upset, Leo knows that. Even if you haven't seen someone for a couple of years, you're still going to be shocked at the very least by their death. Josh is too familiar with death and, although he'd have been upset, no one else would have known. But for Mandy to have died in a fire........

"Leo?" Josh interrupts Leo's thoughts.

"She was at a diner in New York. Her and a friend had gone to the bathroom. It was at the back of the building. It was an old building." Leo hesitates, 'so much for telling him quickly,' he thinks. "The kitchen caught on fire, it spread quickly." Leo sits next to Josh, who's unnaturally still. "They were trapped," he adds needlessly. Josh is still not moving or saying anything. Leo starts with the usual attempt at comfort that people give when someone dies in a fire. "The fumes......."

"Yeh I know," Josh interrupts. "The fumes will have got to her first. She'd have been unconscious, she wouldn't have known what was happening." He looks down at his hands and tries to take deep breaths. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Donna stands outside Josh's building, wondering whether she should have phoned first. Leo was concerned enough to call and ask her to check on Josh, but she still isn't sure she should be here, Josh had virtually thrown Leo out in his haste to be alone. 

She takes a deep breath and presses the buzzer. Predictably maybe, there's no answer. She takes out the keys that Josh gave her while he was recovering, that he's probably forgotten she's still got, and lets herself into the building. She walks along the short corridor and knocks gently on Josh's front door. It's 4.30 in the morning, she doesn't want to wake the rest of the building. When he doesn't open the door she puts her key in the lock, praying that the security chain and deadlock aren't on. As usual, they aren't. Walking into the dark apartment, she closes the door. 

"Josh?" she calls as she reaches for the light switch.

"Don't turn it on," says a voice from the couch.

"Are you alright?"

"I told Leo I didn't want anyone coming round."

"He was worried about you, so am I," Donna replies, walking over to the couch, as her eyes become accustomed to the dark. "Are you alright?" she repeats.

"Yeh I'm just great Donna."

"Josh........."

"I hadn't seen her in nearly two years, it's not like we'd been close for over a year before that. Why wouldn't I be alright?"

"Then why are you sitting in the dark?" Donna asks, standing behind the couch, not too sure what to do.

"Couldn't sleep," comes the quiet reply.

"You want to talk?"

"What about?"

"Anything."

Josh is quiet for a moment before he turns and looks at Donna. "You should probably leave you know, while you still can."

Donna can't see his face clearly enough to read his expression. "I don't think you should be alone right now."

"Even if I want to be?" he snaps. Then he adds quietly, "Anyway, I didn't mean just now."

"I don't understand."

"Go home Donna," Josh says, turning back round and looking down at the empty glass he's holding.

Donna walks round the couch and sits down next to him. She puts her hand on his arm, but he pulls away like he's been burnt. "Josh?" she says anxiously.

"Don't....." comes the choked reply. 

"Josh, I just want to help you. I'm sorry. If you want to be alone, I'll leave and come back later."

Josh stares at Donna. "I don't want you to come back at all," he says, his voice hardening. He puts the glass down and stands up. "I don't want anyone."

"OK. But let me make you a drink before I go," she replies, trying to calm him down. 

Josh walks to the door. "Just leave me alone. Jesus, how hard is it for you to understand? I don't need anyone." He repeats slowly, opening the apartment door, "Go home."

Donna stands and walks out of the apartment, trying to remain calm, to not panic about what he plans to do once she's left. "Please Josh, you have to talk to someone, don't shut yourself away." 

"I don't need therapy Donna, I need to be alone," he says, closing the door after her. She listens, but she doesn't hear the deadlock fasten.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Continued ..............


	2. Part 2

TITLE: There Goes The Fear - Part 2  
AUTHOR: Willow  
SUMMARY: Leo and Donna try and talk to Josh.  
SPOILERS: Personal stuff up to S3. Set in an a/u between S3 & S4.  
CHARACTERS: Leo, Josh and Donna.  
RATING: PG - Angst. Character Death (though it's a character who's long been assigned to 'The Land Of The Lost'.)  
DISCLAIMER: They belong to NBC, Warner Bros, John Wells...... 

* * *

Donna sits in her car and dials Leo on her cell phone. "Hey Leo it's Donna."

"Hi Donna, how is he?" Leo asks.

"He said all he needed was to be alone."

"I suppose that's understandable. I'm sorry I asked you to go over."

Donna's quiet for a moment wondering what to say, she settles on, "That's alright. I'll see you tomorrow." She hangs up the phone and sits in the car for five minutes trying to think what to do. She wishes she could call Sam, but he's gone home for the weekend for his sister's birthday, and there's no point in worrying him when he's in California. Maybe she should call CJ or Toby, but no, she knows who she has to call. She picks up her cell phone and presses redial.

"McGarry."

"Leo, it's Donna again. I'm worried about Josh?" she says nervously.

"Me too," Leo admits. "Where are you?"

"Sat in my car just down from his building."

"What did he say?"

"He told me not to come back, ever. He said he didn't want anyone. He told me to leave while I could," Donna tells Leo. "What did he mean?"

"Wait there, I'll be there soon," Leo instructs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Donna's decided to go back to Josh's apartment. Even if he throws her out again, she'll at least know that he's OK. She's just about to open her car door when there's a knock on the window. She opens the passenger door and Leo gets in.

"Tell me exactly what happened," he says. 

She tells Leo what Josh had said. "It's not what he said though, it was the way he said it. He was scared Leo. When I touched his arm he jumped like I'd burnt him."

Leo realizes that Donna doesn't know Josh quite as well as he'd thought she did. He really wishes he hadn't dragged her into this. Though he knows that Donna tends to call Josh on a Saturday morning, so she'd have got involved then anyway. He wonders where to start.

"I once told Josh that he was a compulsive fixer," Leo says.

"He is," Donna agrees.

"Yeh. I told him it was cos he walks around with too much guilt over everyone he loves dying." Leo sighs, "That's what's wrong with him Donna. I should have realized. He's gonna push everyone away. Especially the people he cares about the most. That's you, Sam, CJ and Toby, and his mom."

"And you," Donna points out.

Leo nods. "That's why he wouldn't let me call Amy, I guess," he adds doubtfully.

"How do you know?"

"He's done it before," Leo replies. "He did it when he was kid after Joanie died. You'd expect a nine year old in that situation to cling to his parents, but Josh pushed them away. Part of it was guilt, but part was fear. In the end it was his grandfather who got through to him." Leo pauses, wondering how much to tell Donna, but he continues. "Then he had a friend from college who died. His parents didn't hear from him for weeks at a stretch. He drove the rest of his friends away. I don't really know what pulled him out of it that time."

"He told me about that," Donna says, noting Leo's look of surprise. "He tells me stuff when he's drunk and then forgets he's said it," she smiles slightly. "It was Sam. He wouldn't leave him alone, in the end Josh gave in and let him help." She's quiet for a moment before saying, "He wasn't like that after his father died. Was he?"

"Not as bad no, but he did shut himself off from everyone. Only Sam and I knew him well back then, so you all didn't notice."

Donna realizes that that's most likely true. She looks toward Josh's darkened apartment. "We can't leave him alone," Donna says. She expects Leo to reassure her, like he did the Christmas after Rosslyn. But he doesn't.

"No, but he's not going to let us in."

"I've got keys," Donna tells him.

Leo looks a little questioning for a second, but then seems to accept that as perfectly normal. "I'm going to call his mother. Let her know what's happened. I know she never liked Mandy, but still......." he trails off.

"OK, you call Clara, I'm going back into his apartment."

"I'll be there soon," Leo agrees.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Leo hangs up the phone and gets out of the car. He sees Donna walk down Josh's stoop and goes to meet her. "He's put the deadlock on, I can't get in and he won't open up," she tells Leo.

Leo has no intention of leaving until he's spoken to Josh, he's just not too sure how he's going to achieve that. He takes out his phone and dials Josh's cell, but it goes straight to voicemail. He tries the apartment phone, but it's engaged. "Well we can't just stand here all night," he tells Donna.

"I'm not leaving," Donna replies.

"I don't know what to do," Leo admits, although he sounds far from defeated. 

"There must be someone who he'll let in," Donna ponders.

Leo shakes his head. "Donna," he smiles slightly, "if he won't let you in, then I don't know who else to suggest."

Donna looks startled by that and was about to object when Leo's cell phone rings.

"McGarry."

"Why'd you call my mom?" Josh asks.

"Because I didn't want her hearing it on the news."

"She only met Mandy twice."

"I don't care," Leo replies. "What are you doing?"

"Sitting drinking coffee, in my warm, dry apartment."

Leo smiles, "Lucky you."

"You and Donna don't need to camp outside in the rain all night you know."

"We wouldn't be in the rain if you'd let us in," Leo points out.

"I need to be alone."

"You sure you're OK?" 

"I'll be alright. I'll see you at work in a couple of hours."

"Alright, I'll see you then."

"Not going to tell me to take the weekend off then?" Josh smiles.

"No," Leo replies.

"You just want to keep an eye on me."

"I just want you to sort out Patterson." 

"See you later," Josh hangs up.

Donna looks at Leo. "Is he alright?"

"Say's he'll see us at work. He gloated that he's sat drinking coffee in his warm, dry apartment," Leo smiles.

"We should go home then?"

"Yeh. Don't come in today Donna, get some sleep."

"I'll see you in a few hours," Donna replies, as Leo knew she would.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Continued .................


	3. Part 3

TITLE: There Goes The Fear - Part 3.  
AUTHOR: Willow  
SUMMARY: Josh is starting to shut them all out and it's worrying Sam and Donna.  
SPOILERS: Personal stuff up to S3. Set in an a/u between S3 & S4.  
CHARACTERS: Josh, Donna, Sam, Leo.  
RATING: PG - Angst. Character Death (though it's a character who's long been assigned to 'The Land Of The Lost'.)  
DISCLAIMER: They belong to NBC, Warner Bros, John Wells...... 

* * *

"Hey Josh," CJ stands in front of Josh's desk and waits for him look up. "You OK?"

Josh sighs and looks up from the notes he's reading. "Yeh I'm fine CJ. You?"

"Yes thanks. Josh if you want to talk about Mandy......"

"I don't, thanks," Josh cuts her off. "I've got to finish these notes for a meeting with Leo." 

"Alright, you know where I am though."

"See you," Josh looks back down and carries on reading.

Thirty minutes later the door opens again. "Josh."

"Charlie," Josh tries not to sigh.

"I heard about Mandy, I'm sorry."

"Thanks."

"Are you OK?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Josh asks.

"Well you and Mandy......"

"I'm fine. Thanks for asking," Josh interrupts.

"OK. I'll be here all day," Charlie says as he leaves.

After Charlie's gone Josh sits looking out the window for a minute before walking to the door. "Donna have you got minute?"

"Yeh, what do you need?" Donna asks, walking into the office.

"What do I need?" Josh repeats.

"Yeh."

"I need, that when I say I don't want to be disturbed I mean by anyone. I don't mean send in all the do gooders who want to offer their sympathy."

"They're your friends, they're worried about you."

"It's over three years since we dated Donna. I'm fine. That's what you can tell the next person. Instead of sending them in here."

"Fine," Donna replies leaving the office.

As Josh watches her go his emotions are mixed. There's a tightening in his chest, a knot in his stomach, a fear that he going to loose her and that's the last thing he wants, the one loss he really doesn't think he could survive. But there's also a kind of relief, because he's afraid that, if she stays, then he will loose her, so in the end it's better to push her away. He runs his hands through his hair and checks his watch. Five minutes to his meeting with Leo and then he can go home. He stands, picks up his papers and walks out of the office completely ignoring Donna on his way past.

Two hours later, Josh is back in his office and Donna is trying very hard not to go in and check he's OK, when the phone rings. "Josh Lyman," she answers.

"Hey Donna, it's Sam."

"Hey," Donna smiles at the friendly voice.

"Is Josh OK? I heard about Mandy."

"He says he's fine," Donna replies.

"But he's pushing everyone away," Sam says.

"Yeh," Donna replies, looking up as Josh walks out of the office and stands looking at her.

"What's he said?" Sam asks.

"Next Wednesday at 3.30 should be fine," Donna replies, looking in the appointment diary.

"He's stood with you?"

"Yes," Donna says.

"I'll call you later."

"OK thanks," Donna hangs up. "You need something?" she asks Josh.

"Who was that?"

"Matt Skinner," Donna lies, although it's not really a lie, Matt did call five minutes ago to reschedule his appointment.

"I though I was already meeting him on Tuesday?" Josh asks.

"He had to reschedule," Donna replies. "What do you need?"

"There's nothing else to do today, you should go home."

"What are you doing?" Donna can't help but ask.

"Don't start that again."

"Fine," she replies, "I'll see you on Monday." She logs off and shuts down her computer, stands and puts her coat on, well aware that Josh is still watching her.

"Yeh, Monday," he replies, walking back into the office and closing the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To an outsider the next week would have appeared perfectly normal. Josh went to work, he did his job well, he went to meetings and contributed as fully as he ever did. Sam and Leo though could see a familiar pattern emerging. Josh cancelled running on Sunday with CJ. She didn't question it though, after all it was only a day since he'd heard about Mandy, he was bound to be a little upset. Throughout the week he ate lunch alone in his office, declining any invitations to the mess. Amy came back from Texas on Wednesday, but when she called he wouldn't let Donna put her through and he cancelled any calls she made to his cell phone. When Toby asked them all over on Friday for take out and beer, Josh remembered a prior engagement. By Saturday they were all becoming concerned. 

"Josh Lyman," Donna answers the phone on Saturday morning.

"Hey Donna, it's Amy is he in?"

"Just hold and I'll check for you," Donna puts Amy on hold and rings through to Josh's office.

"Josh Lyman."

"Amy's on line 3."

"Tell her I'm busy."

"Tell her yourself," Donna snaps.

"Donna please." 

"Fine," Donna replies. "Amy, hi, I'm sorry he's in a meeting. Can I get him to........."

"What would be the point Donna?" Amy interrupts.

"He can call you back."

"But we both know he won't don't we," Amy replies. "Look, tell him that at our age, if you want to break up with someone, you're suppose to tell them, not just stop taking their calls."

"I don't really think it's my place Amy."

"Then I'll email him."

"He's still upset about Mandy you know, just give him time." Donna wonders why she's trying, even slightly, to save Josh and Amy's relationship.

"Who the hell's Mandy?"

Donna looks up and sees Josh standing in front of her. "I have to go Amy, I'm sorry, I'll give him the message." Donna hangs up and looks at Josh. "You haven't told her."

"Why would I?"

"She's your girlfriend."

"She never met Mandy."

"Still you should have........"

"What she say?"

"Maybe you should talk to her yourself."

"Forget I asked," Josh turns and walks back into his office.

Donna calls after him, "She thinks you want to break up, so that should please you. You've already succeeded in driving one person away."

Josh slams the door and sits down. Mandy's mother had called him last night to let him know that the funeral was next Wednesday. He's never met Mandy's mother, but she was going through Mandy's address book and calling the names she'd remembered her talking about, to let them know. He'd thanked her for calling, had offered his condolences, but had said that he probably wouldn't be able to make the funeral.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Donna, wait up," Sam calls across the parking lot.

"Hey Sam," she smiles, "you OK?"

"Yeh," Sam replies absently. "How's Josh being with you?"

"He's shutting me out, same as with you and everyone else," Donna tells him. "I think he's broke up with Amy, he hadn't even told her about Mandy."

"I think we need more help."

"It only been a week Sam, maybe he just needs time."

"No," Sam shakes his head. "The longer we leave him, the worse he'll get."

"Yeh I know," Donna reluctantly agrees. "Who can help though? Leo's as lost as we are."

"I think we should call his mom."

"I don't know Sam. Do you think we should worry her?"

"He's her only family Donna, she's going to want to know. Besides which she must suspect that something's wrong. She's knows what he's like."

"In that case I think Leo should call her."

"Come one then," Sam says. "We'll talk to him now."

Five minutes later Donna and Sam are stood in Leo's office, waiting for him to finish his meeting with the President and Josh. "What if Josh comes back here with him?" Donna asks.

"That's a good thought," says Sam. "Maybe you should phone her."

"No, this is kind of personal."

"I thought you and her got on well."

"We do but, I just think this'd be better from Leo."

"Well you two look guilty," Leo comments, as he enters from the Oval Office.

"Where's Josh?" Sam asks.

"Gone back to his office I assume, why?"

"We're worried about him," Sam continues.

"Yeh me too," Leo admits.

"We think maybe someone should talk to his mom," Sam says.

"I called her this morning," Leo tells them.

"You did?" says Donna.

"Yeh. Sorry it was kind of a unilateral decision."

"What did she say?" Donna asks.

"She's gonna call him later and take it from there."

"Good," Sam smiles.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Continued .......................


	4. Part 4

TITLE: The Goes The Fear - Part 4  
AUTHOR: Willow  
SUMMARY: Josh talks to his mother about his fears.  
SPOILERS: Personal stuff up to S3. Set in an a/u between S3 & S4.  
CHARACTERS: Josh, his mother, Donna.  
RATING: PG - Angst. Character Death (though it's a character who's long been assigned to 'The Land Of The Lost'.)  
DISCLAIMER: They belong to NBC, Warner Bros, John Wells...... 

* * *

Josh walks out of his kitchen, with a coffee and a microwave pizza. He sits down on the couch, ignoring the ringing phone.

"Josh if you're there pick up the phone..... I'll only keep calling, you know that......Of course if you keep ignoring me I'll just have to come up and see you.... Alright then, I'll assume you're out. Call me when you get in."

Josh sighs and deletes the message, although he knows she will keep calling. An hour later he's sat reading some notes when the phone rings again and the same voice leaves another message.

"Hello Joshua, it's 4.25 and I'm assuming you're still out and you're not just ignoring me, because I know I raised you better than that. So call me."

Josh can't help but smile slightly, he picks up the phone and presses the speed dial. "Afternoon mom."

"Just got in Josh?"

"You know very well that I've been ignoring the phone."

"Yes. Why?"

"I'm trying to work."

"So its not because you're avoiding all your friends?"

"Who called you?"

"Does it matter?" Clara asks.

"Donna," Josh guesses.

"Leo."

"Leo?"

"Yes Joshua, for some reason the man cares about you."

Josh is quiet for a few seconds before slipping back into denial mode. "I'm fine."

"So you're not pushing everyone away? You're not refusing to talk with anyone outside work, eating lunch on your own, staying in alone at night."

"I've been busy."

"That doesn't normally stop you."

"Mom, I'm 41, I don't need you to tell me how to run my life."

Clara ignores him. "Donna thinks that you're pushing everyone away, because that way if anything happens to them it won't hurt so much."

"I thought you hadn't spoken to Donna."

"Did I say that?"

"That's not what I'm doing."

"I know," Clara agrees. "Leo thinks that you're pushing them away out of some feeling of guilt. Because people you love keep dying and you somehow feel responsible."

"I didn't love Mandy."

"Not anymore maybe, but you did once."

"I hadn't seen her in nearly two years."

"So how could her dying be your fault?"

"Hey, that's you and Leo's crazy theory, not mine."

"Actually that's not what I think, not this time."

"Mom please, can we not do this," Josh pleads.

"You can always hang up."

Josh sighs, "What's the point, you'd only call back." 

"Yes I would."

"Go on then, what is it you think I'm doing?"

"I think you're driving them all away because you're scared. I think you're scared of loosing them and it hurting, because you don't know how much more you can take."

"Mom......"

"You're scared that if you keep them close they'll leave you anyway. But most of all you're scared that if you let them in, they'll see just how scared you are."

"I'm not scared."

"You know you can try and push them all away. You can try and stop Donna and Sam and CJ and Toby being your friends, you can try and stop Leo caring about what happens to you. You can try and push me away, you've tried before. But it won't work. Leo and Sam know what you're doing because they've seen you do it before. Donna knows because, actually I really don't know how she knows, or how she puts up with you."

"Thanks."

"It's not just Mandy dying that's upsetting you is it?" Clara asks quietly. When Leo had told her what had happened to Mandy she'd been stunned. All she could think about was Joanie. She was so grateful that Leo had called, that she didn't have to find out on the news. Most of all though, she'd been worried about Josh. Clara wishes she was with him, so that she could see his face and read what he was thinking. "Josh," she starts tentatively, "are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

"Have you been having nightmares?" Clara asks. When there's no answer she says, "Josh?"

"Yeh," he replies quietly.

"You have to talk to someone Josh."

"I don't need therapy."

"Josh, you've got......"

"I don't need reminding," he snaps. "I'm not about to have an episode."

When Josh had told about the post traumatic stress disorder, she hadn't been too surprised. She'd known something was wrong before Christmas. Then in January, when he'd come to help her pack up the house, he'd sat her down and told her everything. She'd hunted the internet for details and, after reading page after page of information, had decided two things. Firstly, and most importantly, he'd be alright. His friends knew what was wrong, they knew the signs to look for and they'd support him. He was having therapy. He'd get through it and he'd come out the other end. When she saw him a few months later, she knew she'd been right about that, he was his old self again, almost. 

The other thing that she'd realized was, that he'd probably been suffering from a form of PTSD since he was nine. Now, over thirty years later, there'd been another fire, starting in a kitchen and spreading rapidly, trapping and killing someone Josh cared about. No matter what he says, she's knows he still cared about Mandy. However, PTSD wasn't what she was about to remind him off. "I was about to say you've got friends, friends who will quite happily listen to you."

"I'm Sorry."

"Talk to them."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"I can't tell them about the nightmares."

"Leo and Donna already know you have them, Josh."

"Not these ones they don't."

"I don't understand."

"Doesn't matter."

Clara can sense Josh is closing up again. "Then talk to me," she urges.

"I can't, it's too......... I can't."

"Who was in the dream Josh?"

Josh sighs, his mother really does know him too well. "Me," he replies.

"And?" his mother prompts.

"All of you. I've had one for everyone who matters. Donna, Sam, Leo, CJ, Toby...... you," he finishes quietly.

"Oh Josh," she can feel tears on her face. She knows his pain, she'd held him often enough when he was a child. When he got older she'd sat in the kitchen with him while he drank cocoa after a nightmare. Now he's a grown man, but that doesn't mean he's stopped needing someone to hold him and tell him that it'll be alright.

Josh really didn't want to upset his mom. "I'm sorry. Look I'll be OK, I just need time to get my head straight. You know I'll work through it. I always have before."

Clara's well aware that Josh is going to hang up if she says too much more. She decides to leave him, for a while anyway. "Alright. But you know you can call me whenever."

"Yeh. I will call you tomorrow, I promise."

"Bye Josh. I love you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Donna's sat watching TV, although she has no idea what she's watching. It's 8.30 and she doesn't know how much more of this she can take.

"Go and see him," Candi tells her for the tenth time.

"He told me to leave him alone."

"So? He's your friend and he's hurting. You'd normally be the first person there."

"I know," Donna replies. "Leo thinks that he'll work through it himself, he always has before."

"Do you know how sad that sounds," Candi comments. She sees Donna's glare and hastens to clarify. "I mean sad, sad, not sad, pathetic. He's what 40? and he's always worked through grief on his own before. How much has he had?"

Donna sighs, she knows she probably shouldn't be telling Candi about Josh's personal life. "A lot," she replies.

"Well maybe this time he needs help."

"He's got Amy."

"I thought they'd broke up? Look, from what you say and what Josh says when he's drunk, she's not the most caring and warm person on earth. Anyway, you said he hasn't even told her."

"It's been on the news."

"Did she know Mandy?"

"No, but she knew they dated. You think I should go over?"

"Haven't I been saying that all afternoon and evening?" Candi asks. "What did his mom say when you called her?"

"That I should keep on at him, that that's the only way to get through to him."

"You'd think she'd know best."

"Yeh. OK then. But if either Josh or Leo yell at me, I'm blaming you," Donna smiles.

"Josh I can handle, I'll just set the cats on him. I don't know about Leo McGarry though, I've seen him on TV and he seems a bit fierce."

"He is," Donna agrees.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Continued .....................


	5. Part 5

TITLE: There Goes The Fear - Part 5   
AUTHOR: Willow  
SUMMARY: Donna talks to Josh  
SPOILERS: Personal stuff up to S3. Set in an a/u between S3 & S4.  
CHARACTERS: Josh, Donna.  
RATING: PG - Angst. Character Death (though it's a character who's long been assigned to 'The Land Of The Lost'.)  
DISCLAIMER: They belong to NBC, Warner Bros, John Wells...... 

* * *

For the third time in a week Donna finds herself wondering whether being at Josh's apartment is a good idea. He might not even be in. Amy might be with him. He might yell at her - again. She presses the buzzer and waits, nothing. She takes out her keys and opens the building's front door. She walks to Josh's apartment and knocks, still no answer. His car's outside so she's pretty sure he's in. She can't just let herself in, what if Amy is there? She's worried though. She takes out her cell phone and dials his number, voicemail, does the man ever turn his cell on? She tries the apartment, it rings and rings and answer phone. Damn. She hangs up and tries again, he picks up after the fifth ring.

"Hello."

"Josh."

"Donna."

"You're not answering your door."

"I was in the shower."

"Oh," now she feels stupid. "Can I come in?"

"Yeh hang on, I'll buzz you," Josh sounds resigned.

"I'm already in the building," she admits.

"OK. Well why didn't you just let yourself in?"

"You might not have been alone."

Josh hangs up the phone and opens the front door. "In case you'd forgotten Amy broke up with me," he tells Donna. "I'm just gonna put some clothes on," he says, marveling that he doesn't mind opening the door to Donna in just a towel.

A couple of minutes later Josh reappears in a pair of jeans and sweatshirt. "What can I do for you?" he asks, the coldness back in his voice.

"I know what you're doing," Donna tells him.

"What am I doing?"

"You think that if you push us all away, it won't hurt as much if something happens to us."

Josh laughs at that, although there's little humor in it. "That's what I think is it?" he asks. "You haven't got a clue have you."

"Well tell me then."

"Just go," he tells her.

"No. You've been pushing us all away all week. What's it achieved?" Donna shouts. Josh sits down on the couch and Donna follows, sitting in the armchair opposite. "Tell me what's going on," she says. Josh doesn't reply, he just looks at her and then down at his hands. "Josh, look at me. What did you mean when you said I should leave while I still can?"

"It was late," he says. "It sounds pathetic now."

"But you still said it."

"Look, forget I said it."

"OK," Donna agrees. "Josh," she begins tentatively, "do you still have feelings for Mandy?"

"No. I cared about her once, but no, I don't have feelings for her. Why?"

"Because you're taking her death very hard," Donna points out. She knows that it's not just Mandy's death that's hit Josh, but she hopes that this way may force him to open up.

"I know," he admits. "The way she died Donna, it was....... she must have been terrified." 

"She may not have........."

"She'd have known the building was on fire. She'd have known she was trapped. She knew exactly what was happening."

Donna doesn't know what to say to Josh. He knows the fear of being trapped in a fire, he was lucky, he got out, but the fear and the guilt have never left him. Fire's the only thing that he's scared of. He's never shown any fear of getting shot again, when leaving buildings with the President, at least not fear for himself. The only thing that she knows Josh is truly terrified of, is fire. It's no coincidence that he lives in a first floor apartment. That he always knows where the emergency exits are in hotels and restaurants. That he takes the fire drill at work very seriously - even if he was once responsible for almost setting a room on fire, it wasn't intentional, and she saw the fear in his eyes when the alarms went off. Her apartment is on the second floor of an old building. When she moved in he made sure that the fire escape was easily accessible, although she didn't understand why at the time and thought he was being a little overly protective of her, she'd been touched none the less. 

"Have you been sleeping?" she asks.

"Yeh."

"Josh I know you have nightmares, I stayed here a lot after Rosslyn," Donna reminds him.

"Why would I dream about Rosslyn?" Josh replies, but he catches Donna look and sighs, "Yeh OK, maybe I've not been sleeping too well."

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"No." 

"You have to talk to someone."

"Why? I've never talked about them before."

"What about Stanley?" Donna asks.

Josh had forgotten that Donna knew about Dr Higham. He'd seen him for years, but had stopped when they took office, only having seen him once since then. "I can't see him."

"Why?"

"For the same reason I stopped seeing him in the first place," Josh replies impatiently. "The Deputy Chief Of Staff of the White House can't see a therapist." 

"Well that's just crap," Donna snaps. "You've seen him since we took office and what about ATVA? Come to think of it, if you can't call Dr Higham, what about Dr Keyworth or Richard?"

Josh gives a humorless laugh. "So that's three therapists I've got on the go," he replies. "Do you know how that'd look in the press? And I can just see Leo and the President's faces."

"Can't you just forget your job for a minute?" Donna asks angrily. "Think about you for once. Screw the administration, screw the President. If you won't talk to one of us, then you have to talk to either Stanley or Richard."

Although Josh knows she's right, he also knows that it's not that easy. "You've never had therapy have you?" he asks.

"No." 

"Which is quite amazing when you consider that you've worked for me for four years," he smiles.

"I know," she agrees with a smile. She actually allows herself to hope that she's getting through to him.

"Do you know how hard it is to talk to a stranger about your feelings and fears. I dunno, maybe that's just me," he sighs. "Hell I can't talk to my friends and family about that stuff." Which isn't entirely true. There have been two people in his life that he could talk to about his deepest fears. But his grandfather's been dead for 15 years and Donna's too involved in this particular fear.

"You've done it before," Donna points out. "You talked to Dr Higham and Dr Keyworth and Richard."

"It took nine hours for me to tell Dr Keyworth how I cut my hand. As for the first Stanley," he smiles a little "it took me nearly eight years to tell him how Joanie died."

"How did you manage to talk to him for eight years without telling him the reason?"

"I didn't see him constantly for eight years. I'd see him maybe three or four time a year. I told you I'm not very good at therapy," he smiles a little sheepishly.

"Talk to me then," Donna tells him.

"It's getting late Donna, you should go home."

Donna sees that the shutters are about to come back down and decides it's time for a break. She stands up, goes to the kitchen and makes two coffees. 

Josh takes the coffee of her with a feeling of relief. He'd thought for a minute that she was going to do as he said, and leave.

"Do you want anything to eat?" she asks.

Josh shakes his head, "You have something though if you want."

"No," Donna replies, sitting back down. "Talk to me."

"Donna please, I can't."

"I'm not leaving until you do."

"Then you'll be here a long time," Josh has returned to denial mode, and the coldness is back in his voice.

"Fine," Donna replies, turning the TV on. They sit in silence for ten minutes until the phone rings. Josh ignores it. "You not going to answer that?" Donna asks.

"Doesn't look like it."

Donna sighs and picks up the handset, "Hello."

"Donna?"

"Hi, how are you?" Donna asks.

"I'm fine, you?" Clara replies.

"Yeh I'm good. You want Josh?" she asks, which she realizes is a stupid question.

"I'm guessing he's ignoring the phone again. How is he?"

"Quiet," Donna replies, glancing at Josh. "We're sat in silence, watching a documentary on dolphins"

"Dolphins?"

"Yeh, he won't let me change channels. He thinks that if he puts something on that he finds boring, I'll go home."

Josh glares at Donna. "Will you stop talking about me like I wasn't here."

"He's still in a good mood then," Clara comments. "Will you ring me later and let me know how he is?"

"I will," Donna agrees. "You want to speak to your mom?" she asks Josh.

Josh takes the phone off Donna and walks into the kitchen. He returns a few minutes later looking upset. "Why are you still here?" he asks Donna, though his tone is now more amazed than angry.

"I have no idea," Donna sighs. She watches Josh, "Are you alright?"

Clara had told Josh that he had to talk to someone, because if he didn't she was getting on a plane and coming to see him. She'd told him that she knew exactly what he was feeling. He'd argued that she couldn't possibly know. She'd pointed out that she knew as much about loss and guilt as he did, which he knows is true. He'd heard her talking to his grandfather one day. Josh may have run out of the house and left his sister, but his parents had left her in charge in the first place, while they'd gone out to a party. They'd never quite forgiven themselves for that, and for the guilt and pain that Josh was left with. It didn't matter that Joanie was nearly seventeen and perfectly capable of babysitting her brother, they still felt guilty. 

"Josh. If you really want me to leave I will."

"I don't," Josh replies. He may have been pushing everyone away, but he really doesn't want to be alone. He has a strange feeling that if Donna leaves now, she may not come back.

"OK," Donna's relieved by that. "What did your mom say?"

"She threatened to come up here and kick my butt," he replies, attempting a small smile. But then he lapses back into a brooding silence.

"You've told me about the nightmare before Josh, why's it so hard now?" she asks him.

"Because this is different."

"How?"

"I'm not alone," he replies quietly.

"Now you see Joanie?" Donna asks, but Josh shakes his head. "Mandy?" she guesses.

"No."

"Who then?"

"Everyone," he says so quietly that she almost misses it. He looks at her. "Sam, Leo, Toby, CJ, my mom, you. When I look at the house, there's always one of you at the window, trapped and screaming for my help."

Donna puts her arm around his shoulders and tries to think how to respond to that. It's no good telling him that it's just a dream, that it can't hurt him. That's what you tell four year olds. "Let me make you an appointment with Richard. You're suppose to have follow ups anyway, you may as well have one next week."

"I don't need to, I can work through it myself."

"It's not a sign of weakness you know. Go and see him. If you don't want to talk about Mandy or the fire or the dreams then don't, although I really think you should."

"You're gonna make the appointment anyway aren't you?" he asks.

"Yeh, and I think you should tell Leo."

"I can't tell Leo."

"He's worried about you, Josh," Donna tells him.

Josh sighs and looks resigned. "Yeh OK." He knows Leo's worried, he wouldn't have called his mom otherwise. As for Richard, he does find him surprisingly easy to talk to.

"Good," Donna says, suddenly feeling better than she's felt all week. "Do you want some food now?"

"Yeh OK," he replies. They walk to the kitchen and Donna starts to make omelets. "Do you think I should go to the funeral?" he asks.

"Do you want to?"

"I dunno. Yeh, I think I should. We dated for three years, on and off. I think I should go."

Donna thinks about what to say next. She doesn't want Josh to think they've all been discussing him, even though they have. "Toby was saying that he might go."

"I didn't think Toby liked Mandy."

"He liked Mandy, he just didn't like the way she treated you. If that makes sense."

"Not really no," Josh smiles. "So what you're saying is I could go with Toby and he'll look after me?"

"Well it's in New York and we don't want you getting lost." 

"Funny girl," Josh smiles a little.

"That'll be for you," Donna says as the phone starts ringing.

Josh wanders into the living room and picks up the receiver "Hello...... hey mom..... I'm waiting for Donna to finish making my dinner......."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

END

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